WonderCon – Part 1

​WonderCon is an annual comic book, science fiction, and film convention held in Anaheim, California. Oh the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all.

But, before we get into that, let’s take a look at what keeps conventions running.

Food Trucks

Oh, not just any food trucks.

Gourmet Food Trucks. California’s finest cuisine, delivered by California’s finest food truck cooks!

You don’t have to hunt them down. No, they line up, gourmet food truck head to gourmet food truck tail, waiting to serve all the WonderConners.

Mom: Billy, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Billy: A gourmet food truck guy!

Mom: Now, Billy. There’s more to being a gourmet food truck guy than having a food truck and serving delicious gourmet food. You have to have a cool slogan.

Billy: Even better, a gourmet food truck slogan that covers my ass in case I’m sued for gourmet food poisoning. Like, it should say that you might get sick, but in a cool way.

Mom: Billy, follow that dream.

Head Guy: “Guys, here’s my idea. Basically, we sell wieners to nerds and geeks. They’re all out of shape anyway. And what’s going to seal the deal is the name: The Viking Truck!”

Not Head Guy: “It’s a stupid name. No one will buy our wieners.”

Head Guy: “What if the “T” and the “r” in Truck were close together so they looked like an “F”?

Not Head Guy: “Truckin’ A, dude. Make it so!”

Social Interaction

About 60,000 people attend WonderCon, so it’s no wonder (Ha ha. Get it?) that folks spend all their time talking and meeting new folks.

With all the people here, I suppose it’s important to spend time NOT being present in the moment, just for a change of pace. Well, good for him!

To be fair, I don’t know this character. Perhaps, in fact, the character is always on the phone. Perhaps that’s his superpower.

There’re probably 10,000 different characters in the fandom, so I can’t be sure who this is. But I’m guessing it’s Princess Peach, and she’s tired, bored, and just a little hungry. And, by God, if Mario doesn’t show up soon, Uber is going to have a pissed-off Princess take her home.

Is this an aviatrix? A dominatrix? Either way, I wish I had her number….

I think she’s texting someone, asking for a chair. Like, she’s going to have some weird lines in her skin when she takes off those stockings.

Mario and Luigi

Mario, and Luigi, definitely Brothers and not gay friends, began their colorful lives trying to escape the clutches of a gorilla named Donkey Kong. while saving Pauline.

Here we have Wario (I guess) and Mario, both a lot more busty than usual. However, the mustaches are a clear sign that these are Italian men, so I’m obviously not understanding something.

Mario is indicating something. “See my mustache”? “I got a booger”? “One is the loneliest number”? We don’t know.

Two! The number after one!  Now I get it. Mario is counting. What a clever fellow!

Here we have girl Mario, boy Mario, and girl Luigi minus her mustache. Well, if Mario is gay, there’s a lot here that doesn’t make sense.

Here we have a close-up of girl Mario, proof that the Mario family has some unconventional attitudes towards gender roles.

In this weird crossover, Mario and Luigi are replaced with Princess Peach (?) and Princess Daisy (?), and have commandeered the Dark Knight’s wheels.  There’s a lot I don’t understand about a lot, that’s for sure.

Crossovers

As long as we’ve established that crossovers can happen, let’s look at a few more.

Snow White, a character from a German fairy tale first published in 1812, pairs up with Darth Maul, a Jedi Knight who lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Ain’t life grand!

Batgirl and a 24th century Star Fleet officer join forces to have their photograph taken. Also: titties.

Fangs

Fangs are two unusually long sharp teeth growing from the upper jaw, usually used as an offensive weapon, a defensive weapon, or a tool to tear and cut food in animals. Fangs are used as a weapon for fatal bites to finish off opponents or for effective self-defense, and are also a warning sign, a display of strength to intimidate animals, and sometimes it is the most important weapon in the struggle for survival in nature.

This creature’s fangs seem to have aged poorly. Or perhaps she drinks a lot of coffee and her fangs submerge in the bean juice a bit too long.

For being perhaps 7 feet tall, this fellow has remarkably small fangs. Like, does he catch only mice and small bunnies with those? There is no way he’s bringing down a deer or mountain goat, amiright?

What color are her eyes?  Green with brown?

Princesses

It’s difficult to be princess: you have to be born into it, marry into it, or overthrow a government and have yourself declared one. However, it’s much easier to be a fictional princess.

Cinderella, based on the story of Rhodopis, a Greek slave girl who marries the king of Egypt (from 6th-century BC), has been bland-ified (a word I just made up) by Disney et. al. into a blond girl in a blue dress.

The hair and color of dress seem to be the defining characteristics. There are no glass slippers to be seen.

This Cinderella has a cape, for reasons. Perhaps she’s a Superhero in her version of the tale.

This Cinderella has a dress that looks like it’s made from bits of glass. Perhaps from her glass slipper?

Rapunzel is a Maiden in The Tower fairy tale.

In 2010, Disney made a dark movie called Tangled, where they turned Rapunzel violent, and she used a frying pan to assault fellow fairy tale creatures.

Snow White (in German, Schneewittchen; she seems to have been rather boyish, as the Germans have a saying, “Schneewittchen, Schneewittchen, kein Arsch und kein Tittchen.”) is a tale involving poison, tiny men living by themselves in the forest, talking mirrors, and attempted murder.

In the tale, she is presumed dead, so a Prince kisses her corpse. Because, of course he does.

Why do you suppose birds hang around her?  My guess is that they are looking for scraps of apple to eat.

In this version of the tale, Snow moves to New York City and becomes a Rockette.

Here’s the thing: her name is Evil Queen. Like, what choice did she have but to be evil? And just how evil is she? She didn’t start any wars or commit genocide. She just tried to kill one girl. Jeez. The Jewish God flooded the entire planet, and we don’t call Him “Evil God”.

Funny Things

Not everything at WonderCon involves murder and mayhem.

This is the hero we deserve, that’s for sure!

He stands in the fountain. He is holding his camera. He is ready for adventure. He challenges you with his look. Beware the Photographer!!

Whenever I dress up for a night on the town, I always carry my wooden hammer for just such emergencies.

It might be a Wolverine-Micky Mouse crossover. The other folks are pretty bloody. Did they win or did they lose whatever it was they got in to?

Disney characters have their dark side, that’s for sure.

Even more Superheroes. I wonder if Roto is going to chug that syrup…

Why does she look guilty?

Girls licking ice cream. Yum.

Emmet Brickowski and Lucy, aka Wyldstyle. Why is Emmet unhappy?  We don’t know. However, I think those hands, while useful at brick laying, are pretty useless if you want to lay something or someone else. So maybe that’s what’s bothering him.

Terrance Henry Stoot and Phillip Niles Argyle are clearly not gay, as evidenced by their dating the Queef Sisters, Katherine and Katie. Fact.

Supervisor: Raymond, does your ass itch?

Raymond: Not anymore!!

And this brings us to the end of our first installment of WonderCon! Check back next month as we continue our adventures!